Career versus Happiness

At what point does your career begin to interfere with your ability to love someone and be happy?

I'm not sure why it is so hard for me to meet someone and continue advancing my job at the same time. It makes little sense. They should just flow together in harmony.

Boo.
Ben on the Go... Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Nope... no gays here...

Hahahaha... so Iran has no homosexuals.  Sure Admaninejad-or whatever.

I watched the Columbia University debate and have to say I was quite amused by both sides.  I enjoyed the President's introduction of Admanipupu and was laughing when Admanipupu said some of the things he said--most notably that homosexuality doesn't exist there, and that it's a phenomenon in this country. 

But, I just got to thinking--I'd hate to be gay in a country where you can be hanged for being gay.  Although, I feel a little persecuted here too.  You know, when you can't even come out to your family cos you know how they might react.  But, I feel so sorry for young gay kids in those countries.  It must be terrible.ht

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On a happier note--Heroes was fantastic.  Chuck and Journeyman were also very good.  Now let's get to Bionic Wednesday and see the new Bionic Woman cos it's gonna be a blast.  And oh!  Stargate Atlantis comes back Friday too!

I almost got to the gym today.  Almost.  Maybe tomorrow.  Not Wednesday or Friday.  I really need to start going again.  I need to go lots. 

I didn't get to use Skype today :(  Boo.  Maybe tomorrow.

Good night loves.

"In relationships, you tend to take care of your needs first.  You can only be with someone who is as independent as you are."

Ok... but why are us independent people so damn hard to find?  And deal with?  And date? 

Who can be as independent as I am?  They'd surely be a catch.

Although I do praise independence; I wonder if maybe I'm too independent.  After all, I have basically cut myself off socially... partly by choice and partly by circumstance. 

I need someone who is independent, ambitious, brave, smart, etc.  I need the whole package.  I'm not going to find him very easily, am I?

I am Noah

I've come to the realization that I am Noah from As the World Turns.  I am him in that I am the gay guy who isn't out to everyone--family and coworkers.  Yep, same reasons too pretty much--I feel almost pressured into being one way due to forces that I can not control. 

I suppose when I do finally come out, it'll be ok; just not right now--for one major reason: The Right Guy--or No Guy.  I'm not gonna put the emotional stress and trouble out there unless I have someone with me that is gonna stay with me for a good while.  I need someone who I can count on to be there for me. 

Yep, so if you go to YouTube and watch the Luke and Noah drama, part 51-53ish, you'll be able to understand what I mean by saying that I am Noah.

As a side note--I think that when I do come out, it'll be like an explosion.  I just have been bottling stuff up inside for so long and pretending for so long that I almost think that when I come out to everyone, it'll be like I'm coming out to myself and friends again like I did sophomore year of high school.  That's not good.

But--

The Right Guy or No Guy. :)

Question

Why aren't there gay people around here?

And by that, I mean, people my age and easy to find. 

People who are smart and fun and good-looking and exciting and who don't drink all the time and smoke pot.  Not saying that's all bad, but just unnecessary.  I know, I'm asking for a lot here.  Oh well.  Deal.

It's so not right--I wish I was in school so that I could meet more people; but I'm not going back to school, so it doesn't really matter.

I haven't been on a date since February.  I just realized that.  I'm a loser.

It's been so hard for me to control my emotions lately.  And one of these days, if someone asks me if I have a girlfriend or why I don't, I'm gonna freak out and just say "Because I'm effing gay."  Yes, one day, my friend.

I feel that I suck at life.  I feel that I need a life.  I feel that I'm not going to go to bed happy tonight again. 

Night.

Hey there... I'm trying a new weblog posting tool...

It's been a while since I posted last.  And for some reason my blog has been having issues loading on my computers.  It's very odd.  I may end up leaving Blogger and going to maybe Windows Live Spaces or whatever it's called.  We shall see...

Anyway, I need to start writing again.  I also need to start going back to the gym.  I have been slacking in both areas this summer :(  No good.

I need to find something to write about though.  All I seem to be writing about when I blog is just how alone I am and how I want someone to date; it makes me quite sad.  Oh well, apparently, I'm not meant to be dating anyone right now.  I got really upset last night and I'm not sure why.  Sure, I know why, but I usually can hold in my emotions better.  Maybe I'm overfilled and am finally breaking. :(

I've been watching the Luke and Noah story on YouTube the past few days... I love As the World Turns... I used to watch it all the time during the summer.  It's really neat I think that daytime shows like that are embracing gay youth and writing stories about us that make sense and show some of our problems.  I think it's really cool how Lily, Holden and Aaron are supportive of Luke.  It makes me want to come out to my family even more than I already do. 

I think, just think, that if I could move out, I'd also come out to them and maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to have some sort of good love life.  I dunno.  It'd be nice.

Alrighty, it's 12.26 a.m. and I need to sleep.

Good night loves! :)

Thoughts on life and how some things just suck

Sometimes, life just plain sucks. Yes sir, it does. Let me say some things here that are directed to someone who I am relatively sure doesn't check here often.

You are special. You're an extraordinary person. Anyone who has met you or just talked to you for a while knows that. I know that and I've never met you in person. It really sucks that we are on opposite sides of the country cos I would be working everyday to make sure you know how special you are. How special I think you would be to me if I could be there.

There's a lot I'd like to say about how I really think I'd feel if I was out there and we really got to know eachother and decided to pursue something. There's a lot I'd say, but then I'd just get into a really bummed out mood. So its best that I don't for now.

Just know that if I could be there with you, I'd be doing my very best to help get rid of some of your birthday aggrevation.

Goodnight
Ben on the Go... Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Slow path

I think so; that I shall walk the slow path for a time, and wait for the one to run beside me.
Ben on the Go... Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Once again it has been a long time

Yes, it has certainly been a while since I posted last. I've been quite a busy beaver.

So, since I posted last, several things have happened. So let's start with the ones I can think of right now ;)

1. We found homes for a litter of cats that were under our shed. Beautiful kittens and mom cat. One all white, one brown and striped/marbled, one gray and striped, one gray and marbled, and the mom is a brown tordy. Someone dropped mom cat during the winter we think; then she proceeded to get knocked up and have 4 kittens. Then she friended us and we brought them in while we got homes for them.

2. KJ and I went to see the new Harry potter movie at the imax in harrisburg. It was a very good movie I thought. Book 5 is my favorite so naturally movie 5 would also be my favorite as well. I finished rereading Harry Potter 6 last night in preparation for friday-the release of the 7th and final Harry potter book. Can't wait! 3 more days!

3. I got forward controls for my bike. And am now much more comfortable. I do enjoy them. Now if only I could ride more....

Hm that's all the stuff I can think of at present.

I have decided that I want my own domain. I want a .com or .net. Just don't know where to get one to host files and everything. And I need to learn flash. Hm. I also need a good name for it as well. This could take a while....

Anyway, I need to be going to sleep now... I am very much tired.

G'night!

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

new pic... June 16ish